On Sleep and Motivation

The other day I was talking to a friend and she told me that she slept at 3.30am, doing nothing in particular but that she could afford it because she was young. The implicit comparison here is that I had to sleep earlier (even though 12am isn't that much earlier), because I was, well, not young. What it got me thinking was, is sleep the hindrance, the enemy?

I met another long lost friend on the MRT last morning, on the way to work. I haven't seen him in about 2 years. We were catching up, albeit in a slightly awkward manner, and then he said the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me yesterday, "you don't look tired at all." Context being, why in the world would our jobs have us start work at 8am when nothing of note happens then.

In Singapore, "oh you look tired" sometimes is a sympathy line. Almost empathetic, with the subtext being, "oh you poor thing, you're so worked, you must be putting in a lot of hard work, I've been there, I know how it feels". And who's to say that isn't a valid expression of concern, what with Singapore's long working hours and people just twirling about in a frenzy all in the name of economy growth.

But when I hear "oh you look tired", all I perceive is "oh you look like shit, why you got eyebags, and dark undercircles, and dull skin?" This could be a maladaptive, invalidating core belief at work. Nonetheless, it's my perception. More importantly, is that the image I wanna project? At work, and for my friends? That I'm so stressed out and worked up that I neither look good, nor look like I feel good.

That's not what I want.
What I want (signpost "goal" hashtag, previously known as, hex, in-joke) is to project an image that I can handle what I do, I can cope with what I do, even if it is sometimes stressful. And more importantly, I know how to care for myself such that I can continue doing what I do. And that I am truthful enough to say some things aren't my priority, and that right now self-care is.

I was thankful for Melinda's encouragement, after noticing the wane in motivation.
So I made a choice not to blog last night.
And resumed my self-care routine.
Had my facial mask.
I slept at 1020pm.
I woke up at 510am.
I did my push-up exercises.
and then I blogged.
And I'm ready for work even though I'm early.

Sleep gives me energy. Sleep gives me clarity.
Both of which I need to stay motivated to be a better version of my current self.

What I want and need. I get.

Kenny, you don't look tired at all.