I woke up this morning — yes, with a smile — and I had plans. I had planned to start the day right with my push-ups regime, spring clean my work and computer area, and complete some office work. Big, vague plans. It was gonna be a great day and nothing was gonna derail me from ...
Until my mum barged through my bedroom door and into my to-do list.
Hurriedly stuffing clothes she just folded into my wardrobe, darting about the room at a bee's pace, she buzzed, "if you have time today, you should go shine your shoes, and clean up this room, all your stuff is on the floor, and..."
I did not want to shine my shoes but I had prepared to clean my room. That was on my agenda. I was indignant. I grumbled, "给你继续讲咯." (Sure, why don't you just go on complaining?)
There are two issues here.
One, adding an unplanned item into my to-do list. Sure, I should shine my shoes. But it wasn't a priority. My mum thinks I'm too hectic in the morning to shine them properly. But I'm perfectly satisfied with that. I was gonna dismiss it. This is the out-of-the-blue car that suddenly swerves into you, head-on. The only way to escape the fatal accident? Dodge the attack, siam.
Now, issue Two is a wee bit trickier. And it brings me to one of my pet peeves regarding mum. When she instructs me to do a certain thing A, the incentive to attempt A immediately plummets, even if I've planned to do it. Flashback: warm up, put on running shoes, going out the door, mum says, "eh you should go for a run, so sedentry, you"... I drop the keys, "I'm staying in." Analysing retrospectively, I wonder if it's my need to gain control: this is my autonomy, on my accord, ain't nobody telling me what I should do, I know what's best for myself. In revolt, I self-sabotaged by giving up on what I had planned. This is along the same path as another pet peeve of mine: people advising me on movies. "Oh em gee, Kenny you MUST watch this film, it's sooo good. You just have to." It's more pissifying when the film is something I've already penciled in; I don't need someone else to judge my films for me.
I wonder, why is there this tension, this fear, that someone's gonna swoop in onto my parade? Did I fear losing credit, losing my self-voice to the sea of opinions held by others? I had planned to go a certain way, I was going to clean my room. Here's my mum, steering into my lane... did she not see I was already there?
When a deer gets caught in the headlights of an oncoming car, it stuns. Its fight-or-flight response system had given in to freeze. Fight-flight-freeze.
I was disgruntle but I swallowed my remaining rants. Gave my mum a hug. Took a deep breath. Dallied on youtube for 10 minutes. Began push-ups exercise. Had breakfast while watching Sex and the City. Washed-up. Cleared study table to prepare cleaning work space.
The family had made movie plans. Dang, I sorta kinda remembered but I didn't factor that in. But what the heck, I wanna go anyway.
The movie, "Nasi Lemak 2.0" was campy and hilarious. I analyzed its filmic techniques, its narrative. I LOL-ed most of it as well. I had a hearty lunch with my family, discussing potential investments and behind-the-scenes gossip about my tourmates for Korea. I'm back home. Mum tasked me to buy dinner. I wished I didn't have to but I felt like I should, and I did. My study desk is pristine, and ready for action.
En-route to our destination(s), we'd hit crossroads. Googlemap and plan our lives all we want but trust that, zooming through our bloody blindspots, are foreign objects cutting us off, overtaking, or heading right into us. We could fight against it, flee from it, or like the metaphorical deer, freeze and end up as roadkill. But ultimately it's about another four-letter 'f' word — flow. Flow is spontaneity. Flow is knowing our big picture and allowing ourselves to take the detour.
I practised my spontaneity today.
I chose to go and have a fun, happy time with my family.
I chose to be disciplined in finishing up cleaning my workspace.
I allowed office work to take a backseat today.
To note, today I also chose to be simple by giving up the fear and stress of trying to challenge my mum, or any other person for that matter, who wants to give suggestions about me or my life.
Parsimoniously,
1. if it's an idea I don't like, toss it.
2. if it's an item I already planned to do, nobody's hijacking my idea! They are just coming along for the ride.
Don't need to freeze.
Flow.
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